My Blog

SHADOW SELF

01/07/2012 21:25:00

SHADOW SELF

Here is something to ponder then next time you find yourself annoyed by someone you are with. We project onto others what we have disowned in ourselves.

Can’t stand how whiny a co-worker is or how selfish your sister-in-law appears to be? Well I have news for you; the people who we are most critical of are the ones that are acting out our own suppressedqualities. These are qualities that we don’t like or want to acknowledge. This concept is termed “the Shadow Self”.

The Shadow Self is the part of us that we hide from others and ourselves. What this means is that we will nit pick or make fun of another person because we have the exact same qualities within ourselves that we have labeled as bad and then rejected it from being a part of us. In a lot of ways this makes sense because why would we want to accept something that we believe to be bad?

However, denying who we truly are by ignoring our shortcomings does not make them go away. We are not created to be black and white, good or bad beings. We as humans are more complex then that.

So cut yourself and other’s some slack. Appreciate and respect that there are parts of you that you don’t like but are nonetheless part of you; a part that cannot be merely ignored.

Accept the fact that we do and will gossip, whine, or be self-centered. During those times love yourself instead of beat yourself up about it. I believe that we tend to forget to love, respect and forgive ourselves when we are being human. If we can’t do it for ourselves then nobody will be able to do it for us either.

So the next time you’re annoyed with someone, instead of letting it get you all worked up, check in with your shadow self to see if there is a connection. If so, it’s time to do some work on loving and accepting who you are.

Warmly,

Brenda

www.sariscounseling.com

Effectively communicating this holiday season

12/10/2011 15:04:00

Within any personal relationship disagreements will arise, especially during the holiday season as we will be spending more time with friends and family.

This is a normal part of any relationship. When I meet with couples, family members, and freinds that are struggling in their relationship, I have find that one of the core problems is poor communication.

Whether the issue at hand is petty or serious is really irrelevant. What is important is how each person responds to and resolves the conflict.

A person’s response and the resolution to the situation will either make or shake the foundation of the relationship.

I have found that in order for improvements to occur the following techniques should be practiced each day. It takes a lot of effort but the results are worth it in the end.

1) Work on listening skills and avoid interrupting your loved one. Give them your full attention by avoiding any distractions.

2) When speaking choose words carefully to avoid being misunderstood. Always ask for clarification if you are unclear about something.

3) Detach your emotions from the conversation. Emotions can be heightened in tense moments, which leads to further conflict. Nothing will be resolved this way. If things get too emotional walk away, regroup and talk it out with logically at a later time.

4) Winning isn’t everything. Communicating with your loved one is not a game, don’t go into a argument thinking you have to win. Instead realize that true success comes from resolution, teamwork, and compromise.

5) Speak honestly from the heart.

6) Treat your loved one as you wish to be treated.

7) Realize that it takes two in a relationship. Rather then playing the blame game with your loved one, look for how the two of you can resolve the situation.

8) Rember that your veiw point is not the only view point and that you can't force someone to think the way you want them to think

When using these techniques it is important to do so in an environment that is free from distraction and interruption.

And most importantly carve out time for one another. No partnership can effectively work let alone flourish if you’re not spending quality time together.

So set an intention to follow these tips this holiday season with your family and friends.

Warmly,

Brenda

www.sariscounseling.com

MINDFUL EATING

01/21/2011 23:17:00

We all find ourselves at one point or another wondering, “where did all the chips go”, while sitting with the bag on your lap watching TV. I did it but my vice was thin mint Girl Scout Cookies. The sleeve was gone before I could blink and then I was left feeling remorseful and contemplating 30 different ways to work off the cookies! Before I got myself into a tizzy I did a “checked in” with myself, something I suggest often to individuals who struggle with over eating or mindless eating.

Checking in is taking a step back from the situation that just happened and evaluating what you did, when you did it, how you did it, who you did it with and why it was done. This process helps one understand the dynamics behind the mindless eating that just occurred and learn what not to do next time so that the process is not repeated again.

The opposite of mindless eating is of course mindfully eating. Mindful eating is to aim at focusing on the here and now experience of eating. Paying attention to the sight, flavor, texture, and scent of the food—along with the thoughts and feelings you have when you are eating. So to prevent an overeating episode like the one I recently had it would have behooved me to practice mindful eating.

Here are some tips about how to eat mindfully:

Eat when you are sitting down in the kitchen or dinning room, away from other distractions such as the computer or TV.
Before you start eating, take a few deep breaths. This helps you shift gears from what you were previously doing to what you are currently doing. It also helps you relax so that you don’t inhale the food in as you eat. Take the time to put the silverware down once in a while. This gives you the opportunity to enjoy what is being eaten.
When eating in a group, be careful not to get carried away with the conversation going on. Eating and talking can be a big over-eating trap. When you talk put the fork down, listen and then eat.
As you eat pause and do the check in with yourself. Determine what your hunger level is and eat accordingly. The aim is to feel satisfied, rather than to clean off the plate

So there you have it, 5 different ways to eat mindfully to avoid an all out eating frenzy, but I do realize we are all human and that it is very easy to slip into old patterns of eating. If that is the case and your left with an empty half- gallon container of cookie dough ice cream then use the check in process so that you are better prepared next time.

Warmly,

Brenda